It hit me all of a sudden, like when you wake up one ordinary day and realize it’s already Spring. I realized that my relationship with Molly had transformed my prayer life.
Molly and I have always lived at some distance from one another. As our relationship moved from friendship to romantic love, I was aware that we were in for a challenge. Because I’m a nerd, I had read some research literature on the topic. There’s a summary of this research on fivethirtyeight.com. Briefly, long-distance relationships, while not doomed to fail, tend to be shorter and more prone to idealization–or making the partner into some idealized version of herself, which, as you might guess, is not good if you’re going for a healthy relationship.
But here we are, getting married this week! I’ve chalked this up generally to our communication habits. To get more specific, there are several things that have not only kept us together, but have also strengthened my relationship with God.
Number 1: Take time to let your relationship grow.
A seminary dean once told a group of fresh seminarians that the best relationships are Crockpot relationships. Ditch the microwave approach and take the time to grow into stable and strong relationships together.
Molly and I met several years ago and eventually became best friends. Only then did we become romantically involved. Obviously that does not happen with everyone, but it worked for us. We grew with each other through undergrad, then grad school, and during my first year of seminary, along the way unfolding ourselves bit by bit. It has been such a gift to grow in that way.
Our relationships with God take time, too. Of course, we are known completely to God; God knows us better than we know ourselves. But like any relationship, we grow into the mystery of who God is. We learn to trust God over time as we face the joys and struggles of life. And with each day, each month, each year, we are building our house on the Rock.
Number 2: Be jealous of your talking time.
On weekdays, Molly and I talked briefly in the morning before class, in the afternoon, and every night at 10:15 or 10:30. Sometimes we talked more than that, but we tried to keep that structure.
It was hard sometimes. Because the seminary does not get good cell reception, I would typically go outside to call. Sometimes it was cold or hot. Other times I was facing a deadline and needed to do work. And at night, engagements would have to end at 10:00 or so. That meant leaving parties early, or planning study time with that deadline in mind. The same was true on Molly’s end.
I’ve learned that carving out time to talk to God throughout the day is important. In the Anglican tradition, we have morning prayer, noonday prayer, evening prayer, and compline. Our day is structured around prayer, which has the effect of sanctifying time. It centers our days around God.
But sometimes it is not convenient to pray at those times–just as it was not always convenient to talk to Molly at our appointed times. One has to be intentional about preserving that block of time, or it will begin to erode away to make room for lesser things.
Number 3: Share the big things and the little things.
What a thing! Molly wants to know all about my life, and I want to know all about hers. Both the big things and the little things. That’s what relationships are all about–sharing all of life.
But I’m sometimes tempted to withhold things from God. Even so, God invites us into complete relationship–which means sharing all of ourselves, the good, the bad, and the ugly. God wants the real us, not our fake news. And the world needs genuine, real, honest, vulnerable Christians, not the holier-than-thou variety we too often project because of our fear of being who we really are.
Number 4: Remember love is not all about the emotions.
Of course, emotions are very important. All emotions should be recognized as important, not just the more pleasant ones. And a great gift of our especially close relationships is that we can share all of those emotions, even the ones we would rather not show others like anger or shame or sadness.
But emotions are not everything. Moreover, making love emotion-centric can lead to problems because we can reduce love to an emotion only. And if love is just an emotion, it can be manipulated and abandoned. No, love is more than that. It is devotion and faithfulness despite our feelings or circumstances or whatever.
Likewise, our prayers are not always laden with strong emotions. Sometimes we may not “feel” anything, but we pray on because it is time to be with God. We pray out of devotion and duty and love. We pray because we are Christians.
Number 5: Say the words that need to be said, especially on your worst days.
Don’t forget to say “I love you,” and “thank you,” and “please,” and “I couldn’t do this without you,” and all the other small-big things that are too easily forgotten. I’m especially bound to forget these things when I’m upset or frustrated. But our words matter, and we need to tell our loved one certain things–even if, and especially if, we just aren’t feeling it that day. (This goes back to point 4: sometimes you have to put your emotions aside.)
There are days I don’t feel like praying. Or if I do pray, I am tempted to rush through the Lord’s Prayer or the collect for the day–I know these prayers so well that it’s easy to rush through without thinking. But it’s important to say those prayers daily.
Why? Because our words matter. Our words, repeated day after day, form us at a deep level. The more we say, give us this day our daily bread, the more we remember that we really do depend on God for our daily strength. The more we say, I love you, the more we recall how much we love God or that special someone in our lives.
I’m so thankful to Molly for these lessons. Our relationship has indeed drawn us closer to God. And that’s what marriage is supposed to be about. Marriage is a reflection of the love of Christ for the Church and a foreshadowing of the Last Day when that union will be made complete. The love of marriage, then, should draw us into the depthless love of God. As we grow closer to our partner, we grow closer to our Maker.
Thanks be to God for Molly Hayden.
Storied Grace 